Here's another cartoon that expresses the absolute craziness of Crank 2.

This cartoon is for Star Trek, but this kind of hits the nail on the head when talking about GI Joe.

GI JOE - A real American Hollywood movie

Let me just take this time to let everyone know that I am the definition of the GI JOE generation. Not the original 12 inch tall GI Joe's. I'm saying I had about 200 little soldiers with all the guns and bazookas and everything. I'm saying that dinner at my house couldn't be served until after the cartoon was over everyday. I'm saying that I wanted to be a GI Joe. I'm also saying that if anyone qualifies as a critic of the new GI JOE movie, its me.

Now, let the first thing I say about this movie be that this movie is nothing like the toys and cartoons that we grew up with. When I heard they were making a GI Joe movie, I got real nervous because the room to screw this up was huge. I knew that if they made similar to the actual cartoon, it would be too campy and basically suck. I also knew that the only way people would take a GI Joe movie seriously would be to make it dark and gritty. Well, I think this movie landed somewhere in between.

The movie has some of the most popular characters in General Hawk, Duke, Snakeeyes, Scarlett, and Cobra. But only Snakeeyes looks like he did in the character, and if I may be so partial, is still by far the coolest GI Joe. And other than Cobra wearing a weird mask, and the foot soldiers being emotionless, faceless warriors, the similarities basically end there.

Heavy Duty is another one of the good guys but he's British and Breaker (who I don't really remember being that big of a character) is Moroccan. To make the movie more "worldly" GI JOE stands for Globally Integrated Joint Operating Entity. Pretty clever if you ask me. I wonder how long it took the movie dudes to come up with that?

This is about the epitome of an expectation flick. First of all, you don't even really need to know the plot, the bad guys are trying to take over the world and the good guys are trying to stop them. Period. That's all you need to know. And that's about as deep as it gets. So don't expect some complicated, mind blowing plot. Also, don't expect too many winks to the old cartoon. Don't expect the movie to be remotely believable either. My best advice is to go into this movie with the same mindset as you would if you were going into see Transformers. And I didn't use Transformers as a comparison coincidentally. This movie is just as sci-fi if not more than Transformers. Its way more sci-fi than it is action or war. There is tons (I think a bit too much) of CGI. While this movie takes itself a little too seriously, if the viewer does not take it seriously, they will enjoy it a whole heck of a lot more. It is what it is, its a movie rendition of a child's cartoon. I mean what do you expect. But if you take it for what it is, you will have a good time.

The good guys are all great looking people, and then there's Sienna Miller as one of the bad guys, but she's so hot in this that you don't really care. I mean there's even "workout" scene where Channing Tatum and Marlon Wayans have their shirts off and Rachel Nichols (Scarlett) is jogging in a sports bra. This scene serves no purpose what so ever except to show the people a little skin. There are plenty of scenes like this, they serve no purpose in furthering the "story" except to show the viewer some pretty or cool visual. The movie is lots of visuals, lots of shoot outs, chases, fight scenes.

This is good dumb fun. A typical summer blockbuster (that I just now watched in the fall). You are maybe going to walk out of the movie a little dumber, but you'll probably walk out with a smile on your face. That is if you take my advise and go in knowing it is totally a ridiculous CGI laden sci-fi, everyone looks good blockbuster. There are a couple of cool things that they added to the movie though. You learn why Snakeeyes is a mute. And you get a back story on how Cobra Commander became Cobra Commander, and you also learn why Destro wears the mask that he wears. All cool stuff for fans of the original. If you weren't a fan to begin with, then none of this stuff will be very cool to you.

My advice to you. If you really loved GI Joe as a kid go see this in the theater, just so you can say you saw it in the theater, but don't expect your GI Joe, this is your kid cousin's GI Joe. If you could really care less about GI Joe, wait, rent it, and you'll have a fun, mind numbing night on the couch. GO JOE!!!!!

It's been kind of slow on the DVD front...

A couple of times a year I hit a wall. I get to a point where I feel like I am using way too much energy just trying to find a good movie to watch. Now, as many of you may be able to tell, I am pretty easily entertained, and I can usually find something enjoyable in every movie, but lately I've been running out of new releases to watch and I've been delving into my Blockbuster online resources trying to find some good movies that I may have missed in the past few years. Hence the reason that I recently watched An Unfinished Life (2005) and Stir of Echoes (1999). I also went back to the New Release wall and rented Obsessed, Observe and Report, and Duplicity. Let's just say I didn't knock any out of the park this past week, but I only struck out once, which, if you're taking down stats, isn't too bad.

I think I'll review my recent viewing from worst to first, that can be my rating system until my roommate Timmy can think of a better one for me to use.

BAD. Obsessed. Do you ever wonder how some movies go to the theater, have wide releases, have big name stars, and are so bad they are kind of laughable? I was wondering that from the beginning of the movie to the end. Non-stop. The name of this movie should be called A Boring Dude and Two Crazy Ass Women. Some one decided to take Fatal Attraction, take out everything that made that movie cool, and you'll have this movie.

Let me just briefly explain the premise. Idris Elba (if you don't know the name, you most certainly will recognize him) plays an executive who has the "perfect" life. The opening montage is meant to inform the viewer of this as he and his wife (Beyonce) are have just bought a new home and are just walking through it and exchanging glances. It is so bad and cheesy that I was literally laughing out loud at how bad it was and how awkward and uncomfortable it was. But I digress. Ali Larter (the whipped cream bikini girl from Varsity Blues) is a temp at Elba's company, who, after one sort-of, mildly, kinda, maybe flirty conversation, becomes, drum roll, Obsessed with Elba's character. I used all those vague adjectives to describe the conversation because Elba's character is too boring to flirt. But there is really nothing else that happens between Elba's and Larter's characters to fuel this obsession, except maybe one compliment thrown to Larter from Elba. Well, you don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that Larter's character takes things to another level, which in turn cause serious problems in Elba and Beyonce's perfect marriage. Which by the way is not even kind of perfect because Beyonce is the most jealous, untrusting person on the planet. So much so that Elba isn't even allowed to have a female assistant. This jealousy is never really explained either, except that Beyonce was once his secretary and the dude married her! But Beyonce is just as crazy as Larter in this movie. And another thing. Beyonce is a secondary character the whole movie until the end and then, this well spoken, proper woman turns all ghetto.

Now, I like Beyonce as much as the next guy. I mean she's hot. And she's pretty classy (remember the Taylor Swift VMA's thing). But she needs to stick with singing. She's not a good actress. Not that she's terrible, she's just not really good, she's actually kind of bad. There I said it.

This movie really doesn't have many redeemable qualities. For a movie that makes the audience believe it is going to be a sexual thriller ala Fatal Attraction or Discretion, there's no sex. There is a split second of Ali Larter in lingerie but the scene is not sexy and neither is the lingerie. There's a fight scene at the end that makes you wonder if all women are secretly trained MMA fighters. The only believable character is Jerry O'Connell's (Rebecca Romijn's husband). And he serves absolutely no purpose in the movie except for the audience to say, well at least one person is normal.

Don't waste your time on this one.

SO-SO. Duplicity. This movie is advertised as a sexy, smart thriller starring the sexy, and smart Clive Owen and Julia Roberts directed by the guy that directed Michael Clayton. In it, Owen and Roberts play corporate spies who work for the same company but Roberts' cover is as an inside person for the competition of her employer. The two of them meet while they are working for the CIA and MI-6 and hatch a plan to work for a commercial company and steal secrets for themselves and run away together with millions. While this sounds like a cool idea, the movie just left you feeling unfulfilled. The story is told in the form of a series of flashbacks explaining how the two stars got into the situation that the currently in. The ad's make you think that this is going to be one of those movies where you go, "Ohhhhh, that's how they did that!" Kind of like Ocean's 11 or something. I'll just tell you now, that never happens. It's more of a story about the love and lack of trust between Owen and Roberts.

This movie wasn't so much bad, as it was disappointing. I guess I had the wrong expectations. But still, even if I had low expectations, I don't think I would have enjoyed the movie because it really just didn't do anything cool. Don't rent this, but if its on HBO, maybe MAYBE waste an hour and fortyish minutes watching it. And only then, if you have some wine and an attractive snuggle buddy.

OKAY. Observe and Report. Instead of saying this movie was okay, I think I should say this movie is just strange. For those keeping score, this is the mall cop movie with Seth Rogen and not the Kevin James aka King of Queens movie Paul Blart. If you had asked me before I saw Observe and Report, if I thought Paul Blart was funny my answer would have been No. But now I think it is because Observe and Report was just really dark and disturbing. It's like someone decided to take Taxi Driver and try to make it funny. Seth Rogen plays our mentally disturbed protagonist who is the head of mall security and of course takes his job way too seriously. The problem in the movie is that there is a flasher terrorizing mall patrons, and Rogen takes it upon himself to singlehandedly stop the pervert.

Don't get me wrong here, there are plenty of funny parts in this movie, but the overall dark theme kind of takes away from it. Anna Faris plays Rogen's lust object and she is her usual crazy self, and has some pretty funny scenes, but isn't in it nearly enough. Rogen's mom is pretty funny in a couple of her scenes as his alcoholic mother, but the fact that she is his alcoholic mother is disturbing and sad in itself and makes you feel bad about laughing.

If you are into dark comedies you may like this one, but I don't even think this even fits into the dark comedy genre. It's just kind of messed up. I kind of want someone else to watch this and tell me what they thought so that I can figure out if I was just in a weird mood when I watched it. I mean I did watch this a few days after I was run over by an old lady in a Cadillac...

PRETTY GOOD. Stir of Echoes. This movie came out in 1999. This was before I discovered my affinity for watching movies. This was while I was too concerned with getting tail and improving my bench press max. So I missed the boat when this movie was actually popular. But apparently I'm not the only person who thought this movie was really good. So don't just take my word for it, this one is definitely worth watching.

This movie stars Kevin Bacon as a average Joe who, after being hypnotized by his sister-in-law, begins seeing visions of a dead girl played by Jennifer Morrison (Cameron from House, good one to know when playing Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon - a game I recommend on long boring road trips). We learn that these visions are actually messages from the grave trying to tell Bacon's character where the dead girl is and who killed her.

The movie is as simple as that. Its told in such away that the audience becomes just as invested in these visions and what they mean as does Bacon's character. The audience learns bits of what happens throughout the movie to the point where you can't wait until the end to find out what happens. The ending to this movie actually surprised me. Normally I can figure out the ending to a movie pretty quickly, but this one kept me guessing until the end.

The movie isn't complex, and while it is kind of advertised as being a scary movie, its not particularly scary, but what it lacks in complexity or scariness, it makes up for in intrigue. Kevin Bacon is just weird enough to play a believable possessed person but just normal enough for the audience to not get weirded out by him.

GOOD. An Unfinished Life. First of all, I want you to notice that I didn't rate any of these movies really good, or great on purpose. I didn't watch a really good or great movie in the past week, but this one was a good movie...I'd even say quite good.

This film stars Robert Redford and Morgan Freeman. That should be enough for anyone with any sense to want to see the movie right there. But then I have to tell you it also stars Jennifer Lopez. And many of you with any sense might NOT want to see the movie. Let me tell you know though that she is not that bad, and this movie is the exception to the rule that most movies with J.Lo suck.

Redford plays an aging rancher, who holds a serious grudge against his daughter-in-law, Lopez, whom he blames for killing his only son in a car accident years before. When Lopez decides to run away from her abusive boyfriend, she decides that the only place she can go is back to Redford's ranch. And oh yeah, to throw a chink in the chain, she has a daughter, Redford's granddaughter, that Redford never knew about. Freeman plays Redford's sage best friend and ranch hand who is now crippled because of he was attacked by a bear a year before. Well, as you can imagine there is lots of tension and turmoil, but in the end, everyone learns to forgive and face down their own demons, and you have yourself a very well acted, beautifully shot, heartwarming film.

For anyone out there like me, who just wants to see some great actors work together to create a good, solid piece of film making, this movie is for you. Its not a great movie, but it is a GOOD movie, and I don't think anyone in their right mind could argue that. I was happy after I watched this movie, and I was glad I rented it. In the end, isn't that all you want when watching a movie?

Crank 2 - Whoa!?

If I had to use 2 words to describe Crank 2 it would probably have to be, um, Absolutely Ridiculous. I mean this movie is nuts. Think the writers must have gotten drunk or high or something and just wrote down every crazy scene they could think of. For those of you who aren't educated on the Crank franchise, Crank 2, obviously the sequel to Crank 1, begins immediately where the first Crank left off. Crank ends with the main character Chev Chelios (played by the Transporter Jason Statham) falling thousands of feet from a helicopter, hitting the roof of a car, crushing said roof, then bouncing off said roof, 20 feet in the air, then landing face first in the middle of the road. I would go into the details of how Chev got into the position of falling from a helicopter, but it might just make your brain explode. Let's just say the man is basically indestructible.

In Crank 1, Chev is injected with a poison that will stop his heart if his adrenaline stops, but his heart doesn't stop so Chinese mobsters in Crank 2 decide that his heart is indestructible along with the rest of his organs (including his porn star sized "organ"), so they remove his heart for the head Chinese mobster (who is played by Kill Bills David Carridine RIP), and give him an artificial heart to keep him alive long enough to take out the rest of his organs, including his "organ." But this artificial heart only stays working for so long and requires regular electrical charges to stay working. Needless to say, events transpire resulting in the regular power source of the heart getting destroyed, and coincidentally, it is discovered that the heart will charge when Chev sends electrical currents through his body. This results in Chev doing things like tasing himself repeatedly, clipping jumper cables to his tongue and nipple, and grabbing a hold of electrical transformers to stay alive. Like I said, Ridiculous.

So, what did I think about this movie? I had a really good time. However, you have to totally suspend your disbelief. You have to totally dumb out and forget every intelligent thought you have in your brain. Keep reminding yourself that this movie is supposed to be ridiculous. And just get in the mood to see some of the most insane things you've ever seen on screen. If you are able to do that, then well, you'll be entertained for an hour and a half. If not, then you'll be like one of my facebook friends who wrote as her status "Crank 2 is the worst movie ever. Ever." And while I wouldn't go that far, I can see her point, because it is the most ridiculous movie ever. Ever. And I can also see, that even if a woman is able to do all the things I advised above, she will still probably hate it. It's definitely a dude movie. Read: Gratuitous nudity and violence.

Just to give you a taste of just how off-the-wall this movie is, I'll tell you some events that transpire within the first, oh 30-45 mins of the movie. There's a heart removal while the patient is awake and watching, a shot gun is dipped in motor oil then shoved up a guys, well, you know, there's a shoot out in a strip club (see Gratuitous nudity) in which a stripper gets shot through the breast implants and you see her boobs ooze out silicone and deflate like water balloons, and there's also a sex scene in the middle of a horse race, on the track, while horses are running by.

So, I think this movie should probably be rated 2 ways. On any sort of intelligent, normal, even remotely believable scale, it would get at best a D-. But on the good, dumb, crazy fun scale, I'd have to give it a B or B+. So there you have it, but consider yourself warned that this is a totally insane movie.

Ladies and gentlemen! I would like you to meet Mr. Heavy Shoes! And yes, he is doing the Mr. Heavy Shoes dance.