Year One - You'll like it if you've grown to like disappointment...

I was genuinely sad after watching Year One. I began watching this movie with my roommates Cakefart and Timmy, both pretty harsh critics, and we made a joint decision to stop watching it about 30 minutes in after there was a combined 2 and half laughs out of the 3 of us, 2 coming from me, and the half coming from the dog. Which, now that I think about it, may have just been a fart. This movie is totally stupid. Totally. And I am as easily entertained as anyone and I'm as big a fan of stupid comedy as most 11 year olds and even I barely laughed. Timmy, who such a big fan of stupid comedy that he laughs so hard at America's Funniest Videos that you could probably hear him at our neighbor's house, didn't even laugh.

Now, you may be asking, "Why were you so disappointed Mr. Heavyshoes?" Well, faithful readers, as you know, I believe the secret behind enjoying any movie is your expectation level going into the movie. Well, I had understandably high expectations, which I will now explain.

This movie is about cavemen, who meet Cain and Able, then meet Abraham, then are sold into slavery and then become soldiers in Sodom. Sounds like a pretty interesting concept. A little ridiculous, but its different so I'll go with it. It is also directed by Harold Ramis (Egon from Ghostbusters) who has directed some movies you may have seen like Caddyshack, National Lampoon's Vacation, and Groundhog Day. He's also written Animal House, Ghostbusters, and Stripes, just to name a few. Definite plus. Expectation level = this has got to be at least a little funny. The movie stars Michael Cera and Jack Black. Now I know both actor's have their critics, basically that they play the same characters in every movie, and maybe they do, but it's hard to deny that they make some funny ass movies. I.e. Superbad, Arrested Development, (not a movie but whatever) Tropic Thunder, School of Rock . Alright, my expectations have dropped a little since the Harold Ramis thing but they are still pretty high. Year One's biggest Heavyshoes expectation booster was the supporting cast. I'll just list some just to give you an idea of the actors who must have thought the script was funny enough to want to be in this movie. Paul Rudd (Anchorman, 40 Year-Old Virgin), Oliver Platt (A Time to Kill, Nip/Tuck), David Cross (Scary Movie 2), Christopher Mintz-Plasse (McLovin), Bill Hader(Tropic Thunder, SNL), Harold Ramis (like I said Egon from Ghostbusters), Vinnie Jones (Bullet TOoth Tony - Snatch), Olivia Wilde (The OC, House, Maxim's no.1 Hottest), Hank Azaria (The Simpsons, Along Came Polly), Horatio Sanz (SNL). This many people can't possibly be in a totally crappy movie right? WRONG.

I finished this movie by myself, and I'll admit I did laugh a couple of more times, but I laugh a lot. I laugh at things that were trying to be funny but weren't. The funniest parts of the movie were the parts from the trailers, and the trailers put them in funnier contexts than they are in the movie.

Like I said, if you like being disappointed, watch this movie, but after reading my review I don't know how you could have any expectations. Or if you are feeling too smart and want to get dumber-- go for it.

Away We Go - the best movie you probably haven't heard of

I just want to say that I loved this movie. There. If you feel that I have amazing taste in movies and trust my judgment completely then you can stop reading now. Away We Go is a touching, poignant, happy journey that you'll immediately miss when the credits start to roll. Away We Go follows the story of Burt and Verona (John Krasinski - Jim from The Office & Maya Rudolph of SNL) as a couple who are expecting their first child as they travel around the U.S. in order to find a perfect place to start their family. Along the way, they have misadventures and find fresh connections with an assortment of bizarre relatives and friends who ultimately help them find out what "home" really is to them.

Burt and Verona serve kind of as the narrators in their journey to Arizona, Wisconsin, Montreal, and Florida as they unique encounters with various friends and relatives. This film is a series of great, short performances by fantastic actors like Jeff Daniels and Catherine O'Hara (the mom from Home Alone) as Burt's zany parents, Allison Janney (the step mom from Juno) as a disenchanted mother and wife, and Maggie Gyllenhall as a New Age, weird as hell mother.

This is a small, budget indie feeling movie, but it's directed by Sam Mendes. The director of such movies as American Beauty, Road to Perdition, Jarhead, and Revolutionary Road. There isn't any great conflict or climax in this movie. You just follow a pregnant couple through these encounters and learn of their fears and inadequacies. You see 2 real people with real concerns who are just trying to do the best they can for their unborn daughter. You meet people who crack you up with their crazy antics, who drive you nuts with insane beliefs, who warm your heart with their warmness, and who break your heart with the crappy hands life has dealt them. But in the end, after feeling that they are total "losers" Burt and Verona figure out that life isn't easy for anyone, no matter where they live, and all they can do is the best they can. No matter what you have or don't have, your love for your family all that anyone can ask for.

John Krasinski once again plays the ultimate guy that any girl would want, just like he does in The Office. He can some how do this and not seem like a total douche. He just seems like a guy you would like to be friends with. Maya Rudolph, who has made her name doing straight up comedy, is very warm and very convincing as a scared expectant mother. She and Krasinski have a great chemistry together.

I really felt great after watching this movie. Its real, it has a real ending, its happy but not "and everyone lived happily ever after" cheesy and sappy happy. I think the point of a movie is to make you feel something, to identify with the characters, and this movie does that. Its warm, and tender, and like I said, you don't want the movie to end because you don't want to say good bye to the characters. Rent this, and guys, surprise your girl with this and you'll be happy you did!

A Night With the Girlfriend

No, I'm not talking about a cuddle session with a special someone. Sorry to disappoint. No, I'm talking about 2 movies with the word "girlfriend" in them -- Ghosts of Girlfriends Past and The Girlfriend Experience. The former I would recommend watching with your girlfriend, the latter...not so much.

GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST

Okay, yes, I watched this movie. By myself. And yes, I am a straight man. But say what you will about chick flicks, they are at least entertaining...for the most part.

Ghosts is play on A Christmas Carol, if you couldn't tell by the title. It stars Matthew McConaughey (McConaughey in a chick flick. Surprise! Surprise!) as the ultimate, unrepentant playboy. Who, while at his deceased playboy uncles estate for his little brother's wedding, is visited by 3 ghosts who show him (or rather the audience) why he is the relationship hating man whore that he is, how his antics have affected and are affecting others, and what will be the result if he carries on the way he is. Jennifer Garner stars as the girl-that-got-away-slash-only-one-who-really-sees-him-for-who-he -really-is-slash-girl-he-really-loves. Michael Douglas stars as the dead uncle. And then there are a bevy of pretty girls who all love McConaughey even though they all know he's a player.

This movie is totally predictable, as are pretty much all chick flicks. But that's not why we watch them now is it? No, we watch them to watch the flawed male realize the error of his ways, and beg the beautiful, perfect female to give him another chance or take him back or whatever, and also save the day by reversing all the bad he's done to his loved ones in one night. And everyone lives happily ever after. This movie was bad for all intensive purposes, but I still enjoyed watching it. McConaughey is his typical charming, yet flawed, humorous, frazzled self, its fun to see carefree existence and how (no matter how unbelievable it may be) he just uses and abuses girls with no consequence to the next girl. The play on A Christmas Carol is a neat idea. There's something intriguing about watching someone watch themselves. I guess because we all kind of would like to go back and see our selves in our past. Jennifer Garner is one of those girls that you can't help but fall in love with. Forget the fact that she was in Daredevil and Elektra. She's awesome, and I challenge anyone to argue with me about that.

Like I said earlier, this is one to watch with your little lady. It'll give you a few good laughs, and you'll see a super happy ending. You may be a little dumber afterwards, and you might feel like there were many other ways to have spent the last 100 minutes, but at least you'll be kind of happy. Because in the end, Nicholas Sparks' stories aside, that's all chick flicks aim to do, make you smile and say "Awwww, how sweet!!" Well, they're at least supposed to make you girlfriend say that.

THE GIRLFRIEND EXPERIENCE

The Girlfriend Experience is a very intriguing movie. It's a movie about a high end escort, her clients, and her relationship with her boyfriend, all set against the backdrop of the most recent election and the beginning of the decline of the economy. It's directed by Steven Soderbergh (the director behind Oceans 11, 12, and 13, and Traffic, just to name a few), and it stars Sasha Grey, who is a porn star who is making her first appearance in a non-porn, and who doesn't look like a porn star. She's actually genuinely pretty. She's thin, with long dark hair, pale skin and small, real boobs. It's filmed in a kind of a documentary-esque style. The filming style, combined with the fact that you know you are watching a movie staring a girl that actually has sex for a living, and the fact that she looks like a normal girl who you would believe is someone's girlfriend instead of a hooker, creates the effect and feeling that you are actually watching a documentary about an actual high end escort. Say what you will about a woman's career choices, there is still something incredibly interesting about prostitutes. Its also interesting to see the relationship of a prostitute and her boyfriend. It's quite interesting to hear a girl talk about her day at work with her boyfriend but it includes her telling him about the men she had sex with that day. Weird. The scenes are shown out of order chronologically, but come together in the end. This requires you to pay very close attention to the movie and you spend half the movie not know what in the world the people are talking about in the scene because the events that are being talked about haven't been shown to you yet. If the idea of really having to think while watching a movie doesn't appeal to you, maybe the fact that you only have to do it for 78 minutes will help. If hearing that this movie is staring a porn star playing a prostitute sounds like the perfect equation for lots of sex and nudity, then you are wrong. If I can remember correctly, there is only one scene of nudity and it is very brief.

I liked this movie for many reasons, but these reasons may also be the same reasons that someone else will not like it. The documentary style really added to the believability of the story but some people may not like that shaky, gritty style. The out of order story telling requires you to think and pay attention, and I personally like movies that challenge me mentally. There are no known actors in this movie, which once again adds to the realness factor. One wouldn't think that a porn actress would be worth a flip playing a character that isn't on her back the whole movie, but I was actually quite impressed with Sasha Grey's performance. While she isn't required to do too much, you really feel like you are watching an escort navigate her way through life. Just a warning, there's not a lot of action, things just happen and that's it. There's no big climax or confrontation. It's just a period of time in the life of a prostitute and it's a very intriguing, captivating story.

I would give this movie 2 thumbs up, a B+, a "go see" recommendation. But, I give all this with a footnote, a fine print warning that this is not a movie for everyone, its unusual and a bit frustrating at times. However, if you want to see a movie that is far more different from anything that you've seen in a while, I highly recommend this one.

What Doesn't Kill You - Well it won't kill you per se

What Doesn't Kill You is a movie that takes place in South Boston and revolves around 2 best friends who are career criminals. It follows their petty crimes, one friend's problems with addictions, his family struggles, their prison sentences, and at last their redemption -- or lack there of. Is it me or is every person from South Boston a criminal and a total asshole?

This movie was saved from being a total crap fest by 2 things or maybe 3 depending on how you look at it. 1) (or 1) and 2)) the movie stars Ethan Hawke and Mark Ruffalo, both great actors, and while you wouldn't normally think that these two could pull off being South Boston hoods, they are such good actors that you actually kind of believe its possible. And 2) this is based on the actual life of now actor and this films writer/director Brian Goodman. You probably don't have a clue who that is and I didn't either until I looked him up. If you've seen The Last Castle, he's the grey headed stocky bully. Anyway, there's really nothing great about this movie except the fact that its "based on a true story" (I always take that with a grain of salt) and the great performances by Hawke and Ruffalo.

If you are big fans of either of the leads and want to watch a gritty, real life drama, this may be a good rent. Otherwise, you may find yourself dosing off during this flick. Not terrible, but definitely not all that good. In letter grades, C to C-.

A Simple Plan - Simply Great

A Simple Plan is one of those cult classic movies that when you watch it you kind of have that feeling that you've been missing out on being in an awesome club. There's a reason they are called cult classics to begin with. If you look in the Heavy Shoes Dictionary the definition of Cult Classic is: a movie that was made on a small budget, that didn't kill it in the theaters, and once people start renting it on DVD, they realize its awesome, and then all their friends watch it and realize its awesome. Well that's, A Simple Plan.

The movie takes place in the freezing cold winter of Minnesota or somewhere like that. Two brothers, Billy Bob Thornton and Bill Paxton, along with their buddy, an actor I did know named Brent Briscoe, happen across a crashed plane with a boat load of money in it. He he. Get it, boat load ... plane ... never mind. The concoct what seems to be "a simple plan" on how to keep the money safe and divide when the time is right. Well, you all know whats coming. That simple plan, it ain't quite that simple.

While I knew that this wasn't a Cohen Brothers film when I was watching, I could help but think how much it could be one. Maybe it was the cold, snowy setting ala Fargo, or maybe it was the semi-zany-yet-serious characters (this is one of Billy Bob's best characters), or maybe it was the raw, gruesome murders, or maybe it was the chilling, intense scenes. But regardless, Cohen Brothers or not, this was a good movie.

Billy Bob Thornton does a great job as the dim-witted, lovable loser older brother to Bill Paxton's smart, more responsible character. Frankly, I've never understood how Bill Paxton is a working actor, but his badness as an actor doesn't take away from the move.

Go out and rent this flick. I promise you will be glad you did.

Surrogates: Really Great Idea, Pretty Good Movie

Surrogates was good, not great. However, the idea behind it is one of the more original ideas that has come across the silver screen in a long time. Surrogates is a sci-fi thriller set some time in the future in a world where everyone owns Surrogates. Life like robots that humans control through machines that they lie in and manage with their thoughts. The humans control everything the Surrogates or "Surries" do. They feel everything, they see everything, except the humans never leave their homes. In this world, you can make your Surrogate look any way you want. Whether you are an aging woman who wants to look like your younger self forever or a 300-lb, hideous man who wants to be a 5'10" blond supermodel, you can do it. Thus, in the world of Surries, everyone is young and beautiful. There is no more murder because if a Surrogate is "killed" its only property damage, kind of like a car wreck. There's no more STD's because you can have sex with someone through your robot Surrogate. It would appear that this would create a Utopia right? Well, we all know that Utopian societies in movies always end up not being so great. There are groups of people, pleasantly called "meat bags" who either refuse to live through a robot, or can't afford one. They are placed in "reservations" through out the world, and basically live in communes. Well, the proverbial s^&* hits the fan when a weapon is used that can kill a human by killing their Surrogate. And the story progresses from there.

Bruce Willis stars in this flick as an FBI agent who is forced to leave his home when his Surrogate is destroyed. He is his usual, no nonsense, conflicted, fantastic self. He does a great job as the possible savior or destroyer of this future world. He is partnered by the beautiful Rahda Mitchell (the mom in Man on Fire). And his nemesis is The Prophet, played by a dread locked Ving Rhames.

The idea behind this film is awesome. This movie is based on a graphic novel written by Robert Venditti. I'm going to brag a little and say that not only does Robert Venditti live in hometown of Cumming, GA, but he came and spoke to my rotary club, and had a couple of before movie beers with the group of friends who I watched the movie with. So I have a kind of connection with this film. But regardless of my knowing the creator of this story, I think I would have thought the idea was great. I mean (and I'm taking this from what Venditti pointed out, and why he began to write the story) think about how many people communicate via the Internet now. People have online identities, kind of like Mr. Heavy Shoes, and all the avatars that are out there, that they live behind, that people don't really know who the people they communicate with online really are. Take that phenomenon, and multiply it, take it from an online identity to a real life identity, or avatar, or Surrogate. Whether you like sci-fi or not, that's cool.

Having said that, I'll tell you about the movie itself. It's full of beautiful people. I mean everyone looks like a model beautiful. Which, regardless of how the movie is, always makes something easier to watch. I did have to keep myself from saying, "Okay, yeah right this company executive would be a smoking hot 22-year old!" I had to keep saying, "No, this exec isn't a smoking hot 22-year old, she is probably a 60 year old man, whose Surrogate is a smoking hot 22-year old." There are some really cool action sequences that are only made "believable" because a robot was doing it. And the movie has a run time of about an hour and a half so you don't get too restless.

HOWEVER, this is once again production companies kind of messing up an otherwise awesome story. And while I agree some things couldn't be helped, like, for example, Bruce Willis' surrogate is a younger, blond headed version of Bruce Willis. It looks weird, watching a younger, full head of haired Bruce Willis. Its almost distracting, and when real human Bruce comes into play, its a relief. The movie felt rushed, Willis figures out whats going on way too easily. There's an underlying story with Willis' wife and son that is there, but doesn't go deep enough into. There are a couple of twists and turns that happen, but are then forgotten about. Oh, and everyone in the world is ugly. They are all fat, and sloppy and unshaven. Now, I know that may have been needed to show the contrast but it was a little extreme. I feel like if the movie had been a little longer, and delved into the people behind the surrogates, it would have been more interesting. Also, the graphic novel is dark and gritty, and takes place in good ole Atlanta, but the movie is bright and pretty and takes place in Boston. Okay, now that I've written that its in Boston, I agree that maybe it is more believable that all the people there are ugly. JUST KIDDING...sort of. Maybe keeping it in Atlanta wouldn't have allow for such a contrast with the meat bags and the Surries, what with all these pretty ladies walking around!!

I liked this movie, but I did feel a little disappointed. It was a serious, and pretty deep idea that was dumbed down into a crowd friendly, mind numbing PG-13 movie. I would recommend seeing this, just don't waste $10 at the movie theater to do it. Rent it. You'll be glad you watched it. It is a good, entertaining, fun movie. But you'll walk out feeling a little empty, you won't have a totally fulfilling movie watching experience. That's why I recommend renting it, at least you can pause it to look at the pretty people, and enjoy pizza pie or two and just imagine, if there were really Surrogates, you could fat out all the time and not worry about a thing because, hey, at least your Surrie is hot!

Here's another cartoon that expresses the absolute craziness of Crank 2.

This cartoon is for Star Trek, but this kind of hits the nail on the head when talking about GI Joe.

GI JOE - A real American Hollywood movie

Let me just take this time to let everyone know that I am the definition of the GI JOE generation. Not the original 12 inch tall GI Joe's. I'm saying I had about 200 little soldiers with all the guns and bazookas and everything. I'm saying that dinner at my house couldn't be served until after the cartoon was over everyday. I'm saying that I wanted to be a GI Joe. I'm also saying that if anyone qualifies as a critic of the new GI JOE movie, its me.

Now, let the first thing I say about this movie be that this movie is nothing like the toys and cartoons that we grew up with. When I heard they were making a GI Joe movie, I got real nervous because the room to screw this up was huge. I knew that if they made similar to the actual cartoon, it would be too campy and basically suck. I also knew that the only way people would take a GI Joe movie seriously would be to make it dark and gritty. Well, I think this movie landed somewhere in between.

The movie has some of the most popular characters in General Hawk, Duke, Snakeeyes, Scarlett, and Cobra. But only Snakeeyes looks like he did in the character, and if I may be so partial, is still by far the coolest GI Joe. And other than Cobra wearing a weird mask, and the foot soldiers being emotionless, faceless warriors, the similarities basically end there.

Heavy Duty is another one of the good guys but he's British and Breaker (who I don't really remember being that big of a character) is Moroccan. To make the movie more "worldly" GI JOE stands for Globally Integrated Joint Operating Entity. Pretty clever if you ask me. I wonder how long it took the movie dudes to come up with that?

This is about the epitome of an expectation flick. First of all, you don't even really need to know the plot, the bad guys are trying to take over the world and the good guys are trying to stop them. Period. That's all you need to know. And that's about as deep as it gets. So don't expect some complicated, mind blowing plot. Also, don't expect too many winks to the old cartoon. Don't expect the movie to be remotely believable either. My best advice is to go into this movie with the same mindset as you would if you were going into see Transformers. And I didn't use Transformers as a comparison coincidentally. This movie is just as sci-fi if not more than Transformers. Its way more sci-fi than it is action or war. There is tons (I think a bit too much) of CGI. While this movie takes itself a little too seriously, if the viewer does not take it seriously, they will enjoy it a whole heck of a lot more. It is what it is, its a movie rendition of a child's cartoon. I mean what do you expect. But if you take it for what it is, you will have a good time.

The good guys are all great looking people, and then there's Sienna Miller as one of the bad guys, but she's so hot in this that you don't really care. I mean there's even "workout" scene where Channing Tatum and Marlon Wayans have their shirts off and Rachel Nichols (Scarlett) is jogging in a sports bra. This scene serves no purpose what so ever except to show the people a little skin. There are plenty of scenes like this, they serve no purpose in furthering the "story" except to show the viewer some pretty or cool visual. The movie is lots of visuals, lots of shoot outs, chases, fight scenes.

This is good dumb fun. A typical summer blockbuster (that I just now watched in the fall). You are maybe going to walk out of the movie a little dumber, but you'll probably walk out with a smile on your face. That is if you take my advise and go in knowing it is totally a ridiculous CGI laden sci-fi, everyone looks good blockbuster. There are a couple of cool things that they added to the movie though. You learn why Snakeeyes is a mute. And you get a back story on how Cobra Commander became Cobra Commander, and you also learn why Destro wears the mask that he wears. All cool stuff for fans of the original. If you weren't a fan to begin with, then none of this stuff will be very cool to you.

My advice to you. If you really loved GI Joe as a kid go see this in the theater, just so you can say you saw it in the theater, but don't expect your GI Joe, this is your kid cousin's GI Joe. If you could really care less about GI Joe, wait, rent it, and you'll have a fun, mind numbing night on the couch. GO JOE!!!!!